This statement was given on a Myspace blog. All rights belong to the original author.
I never blog.
I figured that today was a day worth it. Well today.. as in the date. June 23rd.
Except for the fact that it was two years ago... and it was a Thursday. But a one time a year, June 23rd none the less.
Sunday, December 31, 2006
my story. and thanks to 2006<3
If you have been wondering about where I was for the fifteen months I "dissapeared" and you have the patience.. read on.
Thanks to friends etc on the bottom.
I don't really know where to begin or where to end this. Considering I was in an all girls level three lockdown boarding school at this time last year, I guess I have a combined of 2005 and 2006. Things were hard. I was in an amazing relationship when I first left home in June of 2005. I had been with him for a while and I guess I would consider him my first love. Combined with my lack of motivation and ambition when it came to things I had always loved such as sports and spending time with my family, as well as dropping out of highschool, I was going down hill fast and my parents knew they had to do something to help me.
So I had been staying with my friends family, considering the circumstances of my home life, and my parents one day asked me to return home. I had been there for two weeks and then my family decided we were going to go to Arizona for vacation. Everything was cool, I packed, stayed up all night (considering we were leaving at 5am) and waited for my boyfriend to come say goodbye to me before he rushed off to work bright and early. It's crazy how you can seem to remember such vivid details on the days you would rather forget. I remember what I was wearing. A white wife beater with red gym shorts, no makeup on, drinking a capri sun sport. (The yellow kind) I had been downloading music all morning talking to Kyle Scaletta til 5am on the computer. I wrote my boyfriend a cute letter to give to him. So my boyfriend came over. He didn't want to kiss me in front of my parents while they were packing the car, his attempt at being a gentleman, so I begged my dad to let him kiss me. He agreed. He was wearing a white shirt with old white pants his dc hat and older shoes... such vivid details.
As I got in the backseat of our suburban and we pulled out of the driveway, I watched him walk to his car. For some reason I remember listening to seven years (saosin) and just crying as I watched him get into it. I didn't realize at the time why, but I soon understood why.
I guess, because of staying up all night, the exhaustion had caught up with me. I fell asleep quickly. I remember getting up out of the car to eat something at Burger King. Then we got back into the car and I fell asleep again. We were supposed to taking a trip to Arizona, but later I found out that not only had I been sleeping while we passed the Arizona Utah border, but I had also been sleeping long enough for my parents to set the time back on our car clock so nothing seemed fishy about driving so long on just an Arizona trip.
We arrived in some hick town. I saw the gas station and I had to use the restroom badly. We had parked in some sort of parking lot, abandoned looking, but not quite, and I darted across the street. My dad looked at me and went and grabbed me and told me to use the restroom in the building they were going in. He grabbed me with fear in his eyes. I should have realized it right then. My parents told me they were just going to grab some brochures, and I asked the lady at the front desk if I could use their restroom. As she grabbed my arm (I began to grow weary) and brought me into the backroom. She handed me a small cup and told me to pee in it.
She pushed me into the restroom. I looked all around the restroom trying to figure out what the hell was going on. I paced back and forth. The door had no lock and the side door on this old house which was now a business building, had been boarded up. I looked at a large sign on the side of the wall which read "Aspen Achievement Academy." I threw the cup inside the bag and tossed it on the ground.
As the lady ran into the restroom to make sure it didn't come out, I darted for the door. It was locked, outside in. It was one of those classroom doors with the small rectangular window on the upper right side. I saw her face, pale. She was balling and I was screaming. I had no idea what the fuck was going on and I didn't have any desire to stick around and find out. My sister and brother were sitting in the car, and my entire book of poetry was in there as well. I just wanted to say goodbye to my fucking sister. That's all I wanted! I was kicking screaming balling. Anything I could do. I had no idea where I was and I just wanted to say goodbye. My friends had no idea where I was. My boyfriend had no idea where I was. I just wanted to say goodbye to him. That's all I wanted. (Here I go crying again...)
After a few minutes my eyes were so swollen I could barely see out of them. The lady took my blood (my biggest fear) missing the first two times. I looked back out the window on the door and saw the empty window no longer filled with my parents faces. I felt so alone. After that they took me out the the back room where I met up with a girl who had arrived just a few minutes after me. There they had us strip down. Squat and cough. The whole deal. They dealt us out our 10 granny pannies that we had to make deal with for the entire time we spent there. We had to take out all of our piercings. They gave us long johns, one thermol, three plain blue t's (the aspen uniform) green wool pants, cacky cargo pants, converse and hiking boots.
They took us out onto the field. Here is the confusing part to follow along. So the facts. We were in hicktown Utah, and they drove us in an old beaten up truck for two hours out into the wilderness of Utah. They dropped us off there.
Two/three staff which change every wednesday, and on average 8-10 girls per group. 4 levels. mouse, coyote, buffalo, and eagle. Mouse is the transition level when you arrive out on the field (there phrase for when you are pushed against your will into the wilderness of Utah) on average it takes two days to move up to coyote, which is when you can eat real food, and talk to the other girls in your group. Until then you are just a bystander, silently watching the other girls. It took me five days. I was stubborn. You only have to be on level two (coyote) to graduate, and each level that you move up to has more priveledges, but more requirements as well. I made it to coyote. And I spent the lot of my 8 weeks at Aspen Achievement Academy on coyote.
It isn't easy. On average hiking 5-6 miles a day. This isn't your treadmill 5-6 miles. This is your up moutains, puffing your inhaler every 10 minutes 5-6 miles.
Sleeping outside every night, under a tarp, with only your sleeping bag to keep you warm. You only slept as good as you attached your tarp to the tree. If it was raining and it flew off, you either tuffed it out or got out in the freezing cold to fix it. You had to bust a fire with sage on sage, or you ate cold. (which usually consisted of oatmeal no sugar=] )
Thursday is graduation day, which means the girls that were going to graduate soon left on Thursday, they met up with all the other graduates from the other twelve groups out on the field (no the girl groups never saw the guy groups, let alone any other group) then on sunday the parents would come out and stay til graduation on Tuesday, where the kids reunited with their parents and showed them everything they had learned while they had been out on the field.
I was there for almost eight weeks, but the time it takes you to graduate just depends on the progress you make. My therapist at AAA, I hated with a passion. My parents were hoping that I would learn my lesson during my eight weeks, and regain my ambition for life, and I could return home. My Therapist convinced them that "I was like wet cement and needed to set" so my parents made the decision to send me to a boarding school named Copper Canyon Academy, in Rimrock, Arizona. I was first convinced this program was a 3-6 month program, but later came to find out that most girls who graduated, did so in about 14-16 months. This hit me like a bullet.
I was in highschool. Missing my entire sophmore year, and it was probable i would be there through junior year as well? fresh summer, soph year, soph summer, and junior year? I just couldn't comprehend, or understand, what I had done to bring my life to this. I knew I had made mistakes, and I realized a lot of my wrong doing during my stay at Aspen, but still. 16 months? Wow.
When I first came to CCA. They had one house for highschool girls (about 35) and a junior high campus on the other side of town. (much smaller) They were building two new houses on a huge lot of land they had about 500 feet from the house we were currently living in, and they were planning on making the two new houses for the highschool girls, selling the house on the other side of town, and moving the junior high girls into the one we were currently living in. There were four levels, just like the other program, but much different. We had strict uniforms, pants no more than an inch under your belly button, cacky or blue bottoms, pleated skirts only. no shorter than two inches above your knee. Level ones wore red shirts, level two wore blue, three wore maroon, and four wore green. These shirts were all shirts that had been previously used by other girls at the school. You had seven shirts, and had to do your laundry once a week. You could also be on probation which meant you still wore the color of the level you were on, but had the priveledges of the level before. There was staff buddy, which wore a green highlighter shirt, and had to be two feet from staff at all time. You usually got this as a result of self mutilation, or attempting to run. (You are probably wondering why I didn't try? No one ever got away. The school had private detectives.) Even Mexico couldn't save you.
There was also the "silence vest" you know those bright orange things that crossing guards wear? If you were caught gossipping you had to wear this silence vest for twenty four hours. This meant no looking at ANY OTHER PERSON at the school in the eyes, unless they were an adult and you were simply asking them for direction. Crazy huh...
You could not only go on probation for your level, but also get dropped. Every Tuesday we voted for whether or not people should move up to the next level, but people could also get dropped if they had shown through with one of their old non-working behaviors (manipulation, stealing, lying, cheating etc.) I never got dropped, but I spent close to four months on level one due to my lack of motivation. I kept my head on strong once I reached level two and kept working my entire time there. Because of financial issues (the eight grand a month started to wear on my parents) they decided to pull me from the program a month early of graduation. I needed to start a new school, because I would not be allowed to return to Rancho High School, and they wanted me to spend a month at home before school, as well as go see my grand parents in Oregon. I left CCA on July 29,2006. I came home August 1, 2006, after spending some time with my family in Arizona.
Although I didn't go into depth on the emotional issues and problems I encountered during my stay at AAA and CCA, it was extremely intense. All of this is a soft spot for me and I usually don't like to go into much detail with people, because it's tougher for me to relive it all then many of you could fathom. Now I'm at home, and although I have relapsed on a few of the things that had me down before all of this, I have quickly picked myself back up. I am doing extremely well in every facet of my life, and am simply enjoying it!
GONE 14 MONTHS. home. 2yr aniv. (Myspace blog)